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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25168003">Black Holes and Revelations</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeking_Xanadu/pseuds/Seeking_Xanadu'>Seeking_Xanadu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>DCU, DCU (Comics), Green Arrow (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics), Titans (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bitterness, Break Up, Cheating, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Infidelity, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:40:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,559</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25168003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeking_Xanadu/pseuds/Seeking_Xanadu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jason offered a <em>promise</em>. Of forgetting everything... Jason made him feel <em>adequate</em>. Jason understood the void in his heart."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dick Grayson/Roy Harper, Roy Harper/Jason Todd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Black Holes and Revelations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/17342234">"Tonight's for Fighting"</a> by crookedspoon and <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/17686637">"Til It Bleeds"</a> by LuthienLuinwe broke my Roy Harper loving heart. Roy, the braveheart, who surrenders to his heart, sometimes needs to flee to keep himself afloat. This is an "unofficial sequel" set firmly after and will only make sense if those two works are read first, so go on, read them first and then come back&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roy sits on the floor of the motel room, fingers stiff with holding his phone for hours. Dick didn’t pick up his calls or reply to his texts or voicemails. At first, Roy had dialled Dick’s number ready to <em>beg</em> and <em>beg</em>; then he had called Dick out of sheer spite <em>fucking hell Dickie pick up and yell at me! </em> </p><p>How dare he ignore Roy <em>now!</em></p><p>Dick and Roy knew each other as children. They were best friends…Roy was Dick’s first kiss, his first fumble in the dark. Later there was Starfire for Dick and others for Roy and they had backed off.</p><p>Then came Jade. Another <em>mistake</em> – and when he had learned of the result of that liaison, Dick had dropped everything on a single call from Roy, and it was <em>Dick</em> who brought his angel back to Roy.</p><p><em> “forgive me baby – let me make it up to you” </em> Roy will weep into Dick’s neck as he pushes him down to the couch and Roy will impale himself on Dick’s punishing length and consider Dick’s grunts and moans <em>absolution</em>.</p><p>Jason sniggers about Dick being <em>high maintenance</em> but Roy <em>knows</em> what Dick asks is only <em>fidelity</em>. </p><p>
  <em>you understand, don’t you Roy, that the last full measure of devotion is fidelity</em>
</p><p>One night a drunk Roy had thrown that in Dick’s face <em> “you couldn’t give Kory that, should I feel special you think me worthy?”</em> Dick’s mouth had opened and closed <em> “like a fish” Roy had giggled</em> and the <em>old</em> broken look was back in Dick’s eyes. Days later Roy had braced Dick up against the wall slamming into his molten heat, and as he came, Dick had broken down in tune to the staccato beat of the rain outside and finally told Roy the truth of Mirage and Kory. It had driven Roy to drink the next morning.</p><p>Dick gives everyone a multitude of second chances. Bruce. Jason, even after he had <em>killed wearing Nightwing</em>. Tim. Babs. Kory. <em>Roy</em>. Dick asked only for <em>fidelity</em> and Roy had once upon a time prided himself on being the only one to offer it to Dick.</p><p>When did Roy become one who broke the heart of the man he loved? <em>Compulsively</em> so? </p><p><em> “Do you love him?”</em> Dick asked him, icy disappointment in his voice.</p><p>And Roy had said about Jason <em> “he is my best friend”</em>. Why had Roy said that when Roy had wanted to snarl <em> “I love you”</em> to Dick.</p><p>Roy was <em>drunk</em>. Roy should nothave been drunk. Roy knows that, <em>thank you very much</em>. Roy had known what he was doing. Roy had known he was starting something with Jason.</p><p><em>Jason</em>, his best friend’s little brother. </p><p><em>Jason</em>, the boy who was running around in Dick’s Robin shorts when Dick and Roy were already jaded veterans. </p><p><em>Jason</em>, who was a hidey-hole for when the world got too harsh for Roy.</p><p>If there was one thing Roy always was: he was self-aware. Even drunk, Roy knew who he was with. Roy was once a drug addict. Roy had fought that particular demon off. It was a long and lonely path and Roy had stuck on it <em>because</em> Roy had seen Dick’s broken dreams in his broken red eyes.</p><p>Lian’s loss had broken Roy in ways nothing Roy did could ever break Dick. What did Dick know of losing a child? Of losing the <em>axis</em> of your very existence? What did Dick know of losing his <em>reason to live</em>?</p><p>Roy understood <em>running</em> from the truth.</p><p>Jason took Roy to the water trough. Jason didn’t know of Roy’s early demons. Roy <em>loved</em> being with Jason – Jason didn’t see his cracks. It was a <em>blessed relief</em>.</p><p>Jason smelt of cheap beer and smokes and Jason was bizarrely proud of that. Jason encouraged loose banter, Jason did not <em>psychonalyse</em> Roy’s casual statements; Jason cooed at Roy’s demons with his talk of <em> “we are unwanted Roy”</em> of being the detritus of emotionally constipated billionaires <em> “we are not loved Roy”</em></p><p>Roy was <em> loved</em>. Lian had loved him. Dinah and Dick had loved him, so they took him to rehab. <em>They also left you there</em> his mind would scream at his heart.</p><p>Jason was safe. Jason was a mirage. Jason offered a <em>promise</em>. Of forgetting everything... Jason did not make him feel <em>inadequate</em>. Being with Jason was <em>a high</em>. Roy didn’t need anyone’s <em>approval</em>, see. Roy was grieving still and Jason understood the void in his heart. Dick said <em>God! Roy, you are not alone - don’t do this</em>, Jason whispered <em>give in, Roy, let your hurt embrace you!</em> </p><p><em>Roy forgot</em>  wallowing can become an addiction.</p><p>Hanging out with Jason, shit-talking Bruce and Dick, guzzling cheap beer and whiskey, sharing cigarettes like <em>true bros; there was a freedom in it all</em>. Jason and he once picked up a chick <em>or was it two?</em>  from a bar in the Narrows and Roy had pretended the dark haired woman was Dick as he plunged himself into her again and again. Even through his haze, Roy had recognised how Jason had looked at him.</p><p>Sometimes Roy wanted to tear into Dick and <em>oh god</em>  did he understand where Jason was coming from. Dick, with his wild hair tamed back with insane amounts of gel, the crisp shirts he wore to his boring job as a math teacher, yoga at 5am, sparring at 6, health drinks at 7, <em>the damn schedules</em>, “dinner at the table together” “no TV during dinner, darling” Roy tore his hair out.</p><p>To the Titans, Dick was their <em>constant</em>. Wally’s compass rose. Donna’s safe harbour. Garth’s measure of surface-kind. Kory’s equal in heart. And <em>Roy’s</em>? </p><p>
  <em> All Roy wanted was escape.</em>
</p><p>Jason let him hide. Jason, who burned with the heat of the Lazarus Pit, didn’t ask him to <em>“shower before you come to bed, Roy!”</em> didn’t lecture him if he had 6 glasses of drink for dinner, didn’t say <em>Donna said she called you 2 days in a row are you avoiding her?</em> didn’t look at him with cold eyes when he came home stinking of drink, smokes, and sweat, <em>didn’t remind him of -</em></p><p>Jason called him <em>“idiot”</em> and mocked having to <em>“babysit”</em> him. It is what Roy <em>deserved</em>. Roy had gotten Lian killed. Roy deserved to be treated like <em>shit</em>. Roy was <em>shit</em>. It was <em>Dick’s fault</em> he remembered a Roy who had a reason to live.</p><p>Dick, warm and affectionate when he felt safe. <em>let me have thee whole – all – all – be mine!</em></p><p>Dick, who turns into the Arctic when pissed.</p><p>
  <em>“nothing personal, Speedy”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“yeah right, boss!”</em>
</p><p>Dick, with his chalk calloused hands - ever reminder of a cut trapeze rope, wrapped in Roy’s bow calloused ones – never letting him forget his losses. <em>what a pair they made!</em></p><p>Dick, smelling of jasmine flowers the Indian lady down the hall left outside their door every dawn.</p><p><em>“The Champak odours fail</em><br/>
<em>Like sweet thoughts in a dream</em><br/>
<em>The Nightingale’s complaint</em><br/>
<em>It dies upon her heart -” </em><br/>
</p><p>Dick croons as he dances around Roy and Roy laughs and says <em>“wrong flower, my sweet”</em>  as he pulls him to lay a light kiss on his lips.</p><p>Dick, waking up from nightmares with a silent scream. Later he lies curled under Roy’s chin whispering <em>my bright star</em></p><p>Roy <em>hurts</em>. </p><p>He made a <em>mistake</em>. Dick is used to Roy making a <em>mistake</em>  isn’t he? Dick is used to <em>sorry sorry sorry Robbie</em> – Dick who wanted a home and a marriage and a family and <em>fidelity</em></p><p>Roy knew Jason had a crush on him.</p><p>Roy had made the first move with Jason.</p><p>Roy had used Dick’s little brother first.</p><p>Roy was Jason’s big brother’s boyfriend and Jason had not stopped Roy.</p><p>Two people Dick loved with an intensity neither could return.</p><p>Jason was <em>right</em> to tell Dick.</p><p>Roy didn’t <em>deserve</em> to own up his mistake first. Would Roy have told Dick if Jason hadn’t? Would Roy have told himself <em>“it's only admitted vice that makes for scandal”</em> and spared Dick the pain of knowing?</p><p>Roy <em>loves</em> Dick. At least, he thinks he does. Roy wouldn’t bother trying to <em>not hurt</em> Dick if he didn’t, would he? </p><p>Dick – born acrobat that he is - always catching Roy as he fell in the dark <em>as he wailed for the child he had lost</em>.</p><p><em>Roy’s catcher. Roy’s safety net</em>.</p><p>Roy <em>hurts</em>. This is not the <em>freedom</em> he sought. <em>this betrayal of his true compass</em> </p><p>The Navajo taught him <em>self-respect</em> – when did he throw away his first lessons?</p><p>Roy was only <em>misaligned</em> - after the way he put himself together after losing Lian. Roy has to <em>heal himself</em> before he can bandage Dick’s broken heart.</p><p>However long it takes to find his path out.</p><p><em>Speedy</em> with his faultless aim will find his way to Dick. Dick, who is <em>magnetism</em> defined, and Roy the paper clip pulled inexorably towards him. 
Roy will call him my starlight and woo him.</p><p>Dick – who cared if Roy lived or died.</p><p>Dick - who stuck around every time Roy sabotaged himself.</p><p>Dick - who owned his vulnerability, took the hits, and stood his ground.</p><p>
  <em>Fealty. Faithfulness. Fidelity. </em>
</p><p>Roy will hold Dick close – heartbeat to heartbeat – and sing him <em>promises of flying together.</em></p><p>The archer and the acrobat.</p><p>The flier and the catcher.</p><p><em>Hold you in my arms</em><br/>
<em>Just hold you in my arms </em><br/>
<em>Now I’ll never let you go </em><br/>
<em>If you promised not to fade away</em><br/>
<em>Never fade away </em></p>
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